What To Do When She is Beating Up Her Face
By Ndugu Abisai
Here’s the thing, you probably have wondered why she takes so much time at her makeup table. You have also wanted to ask her if she could be waking up three hours earlier to ensure that her eyebrows are perfect. I can see you clenching your fist and nodding your head in agreement. Why? Because I am a man and we universally go through this. The quick fix might be to start beating up your face too. But judging from your skincare routine or lack of it, this is not something you want to do. So, I am glad to have gathered you all here today. This is a meeting for men who want to learn what to do in the intervening time between her showering and her being ready to leave the house.
PS: If she says she is ready, she is talking in the future tense. She is saying, I will be ready to leave in about 20. The greatest trick to learn is to distinguish when the present tense is used interchangeably with the future tense.
Therefore gentlemen, shall we?
REVISIT YOUR WEDDING VOWS
Caution: Wedding vows are only for people that had an actual wedding. However, if you really insist, nothing says you can’t revisit wedding vows that you don’t have. I wouldn’t want to be the man to stand in between you and your nonexistent vows. So get to them and recite them. Enchant yourself to remind yourself that the bit that says for better or for worse also meant when she is applying makeup for hours. Read that and you will not ask her, “are you done yet?” 46 times.
You could watch the Seoul 1988 Olympics Marathon. The gold medal went to a guy that finished in 2:10:32. Don’t watch Eliud Kipchoge, the guy might do a sub-two-hour run, and then what? What do you do with the extra time in your hand?
BUILD AN ARK FROM SCRATCH.
You are not a man until you have tried and failed miserably in building something!
Everybody knows. Building an ark takes time, especially during these days when governments have banned logging. I know you could be big on the environment and its conservation. But will you just sit there and wait for her to draw perfect eyebrows? You will be bored to death. Building an ark is such a small sacrifice. Men are known to have done greater things to pass time.
WRITE A NOVEL
Don’t say, “But I am not a writer.” That is where you will go wrong. You are everything during this long wait. Make yourself useful—man. Writing a novel is not as hard as you want to imagine. Besides, this is the fifteenth time she is saying, “Babe, give me 3 minutes, just 3.”If you had started the first time she said that, you could be on your second chapter. And second chapters are the reason many writers write novels.
START A POLITICAL PARTY
Think of yourself as a political leader. You are not here to help people to achieve anything, you are here to remind them they need you to help them collect their anger and frustration and deliver it to you in every election cycle. Remember you are not starting a political party because of any agenda, you are starting a political party as you wait for her to finish with the contours. When she is done, wrap up your political madness and tell the people, you are sorry you had thought you were in a different country.
STAND AT THE DOOR.
With lazy eyes, with a toothpick wedged between your lips, shoulder pressed against the doorpost, legs crossed. You are debonair. The elixir of love. The one that is waiting for her to finish. Talk to her like you are singing in an RnB song. If this trick doesn’t work. I am sorry. But it has worked in other parts of the world and the success is very impressive.
Well, gentlemen, this is your guide on how to wait for her to finish applying makeup. I must say that in some countries and cities, some of these things may be considered illegal and therefore you could get arrested. Like building an ark from scratch, some big shots will not believe when you say, you are just trying to be useful as you wait. Worry not. That is why I have come up with an extra point. Here we go.
WATCH AN ARSENAL FC GAME.
On YouTube, on other websites. Anywhere.
Depending on which side of the stick you are holding (for Arsenal or against Arsenal) you could either enjoy the thorough beating of Arsenal across the years or become edgy and swing like a pendulum with the moods. Either way? You will be busy. By the time you are done, she will be done too. It is now your purpose in life to tell her: “I have never seen you looking so gorgeous.”
All the best brother. I am rooting for you.